Tuesday, July 17, 2012

What to do, where to go??

It seems as though the last several months of my life have been filled with never ending decisions; none of which are easy.  I've wrestled for weeks about whether I wanted to harvest my eggs to freeze for the possibility of having children after I have the Mother of all Surgeries in September. I came out of my first appointment with my fertility specialist back in May thinking that of course I would do it why wouldn't I??  But it ended up not being so easy.  A lot of thought has gone into this decision.  It's a lot of money that I don't have, it's not a sure thing, it's risky, should I adopt instead? I don't have time to save the money, I don't have the time I want to be able to make the decision on my terms and on my timing.  But then no matter how  you have kids don't they kind of come when they want to?   

So I decided to at least apply for a grant with Livestrong called Fertile Hope.  It supplies most drugs required and there is also a discount for the procedure which will take the total cost from about $10,000 to $12,000 to about $7,000.  After applying on a Friday, I got news on a Monday that I had been approved.  Great! Except why wasn't I super excited??  I was hoping that if I got it, that would be my answer.  It would make my decision for me and I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.  But all it meant was more choices I had to make.  Why can't something with all this be easy...just one thing please??  Pretty please?  After thinking about it for about another week, and another couple days in near tears, I decided that I would go forward with the egg retrieval. I knew that I didn't want to leave anything undone.  I may not end up being able to have a successful IVF cycle a year or two from now, but I didn't want to regret not doing it and not having any recourse.  I still didn't have the money, but I knew that with the help of family and friends, I would find a way to afford it and make it happen. So now I get to go on hormones to mature as many eggs as possible and hopefully in about 3 weeks they will go in and harvest them and they will be good enough quality to survive freezing and eventual thawing. 

Back in January, Kyle and I had planned to go to Cancun with a group of friends this week.  Because of everything going on, we ultimately decided not to book it. It was very disappointing, I was really looking forward to spending time with Kyle and our friends. But, who knew what we were  looking at and who knew what and when the treatment would be. We decided we would go to Keuka Lake in New York State to at least get away even if it was just a couple days.  But it's funny how things change.  A cycle to retrieve eggs has precise timing and one of my preliminary appointments was scheduled for this week.  About two weeks ago I got the news from my primary doctor that they found protein in my urine and that I had to do a 24 hour urine test.  Unfortunately, the nurse called this week and  the lab didn't do the correct test so I have to repeat the test.  With everything going on with me and my body, we decided that instead of sun and beach in either Mexico or upstate New York, I'm catching up on sleep and using my gift cards to the spa here in Cincinnati.  I thought I would be disappointed to once again have a vacation canceled due to health issues, but I'm not really, I'm actually relieved.   I'm kind of glad I'm not going anywhere.  I'm happy to have time at home to just be and maybe get a massage or get my nails done. 

So I've got about 7 1/2 weeks before I take time off work and have surgery to scrape all the snot out of my belly and probably take out a couple organs.  I'm sure I will be faced with more decisions before then, but I'm really hoping that it's more along the lines of what dress to wear to my cousin's wedding this weekend or to my friend Lauren's in August, rather than how I want to have kids or what I'm going to do about the next health issue they uncover between now and then. 

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